DJ Ashba's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] DJ Ashba [ website | I Can Fake It With The Best Of Them ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I'm Not Real :D [31 Dec 2002|08:02pm] [ mood | amused ] Happy new years. Where is Amir? I'm going over to Sammy's for a few hours. We're having a little gathering over there. Night!!!! 5 comments|Choked

I'm Not Real new lyrics/poetry? [28 Dec 2002|03:22pm] [ mood | bitchy ] Strange senses coupled with the inside sting of the lustfilled blow.. Wanting, waiting, in abeyance for something that will never come Passionate, hurting, burning, bleeding The air is still and then the wind blows like dull razors slicing through the purest of skin The lament of it all is akwardly refreshing, The darkness comes quicker than expected The inner self steps forth. Its face is hurt and worn Wanting to love something and hold something so close to itself And yet at the same time wanting to be maliscious and tear the most beautiful person to shreds Eyes sparkling with frailty and mind numbing with knowledge. Never stopping, slowing down, or even haulting to anyone's existance Selfish and manipulative, egotistic and morbid My storybook fantasy is more like a madman's nightmare 7 comments|Choked

I'm Not Real [28 Dec 2002|02:58pm] notice anything different? I'm givin this journal a new spread...er I mean layout. :D 1 comment|Choked

I'm Not Real the stick that broke this kitten's back [24 Dec 2002|06:47pm] I've tried to put on a happy "Festive Face" for Christmas. But, to hell with it now. I am in a raging mood, I have a cold from fuck, and I need.. I have no clue. Shutup. And if you even think about commenting with a Merry Christmas comment, I will take that candy cane on the table and shove it up your ass. 26 comments|Choked

I'm Not Real Take my face & bash it into a mirror [24 Dec 2002|03:49pm] loneliness is. can be. is now. intolerable. even more so in a room full of people. strangers. knowing each other. being with each other. contrasting your loneliness. amplifying it. at least alone in your room you dont have to face your loneliness. you can pretend it isnt there. or that everyone else in the world is alone too. i chose to stay home tonight. but i didnt. i went out. and found myself alone. jump. flashback. dreamworld. past. staring at her remembering another. pushing people into a pit. and the band plays on while she flirts and cajoles her willing girlfriend. and i know who she is. was. in my mind. she is not she i remember. but i like to dream. flashback. remember. now. all worries gone. comfortably numb. body. mind. separated. i look on as if someone else is standing there. i am just a watcher. like a junkie. no emotion. only sensations. detached sensations. Looks like this Christmas is gonna be a lonely one huh? Edit- Someone said that I have beautiful eyes. Thank you, Nadja, that was a definate boost of warmth, not to mention esteem. I need to grab myself a paid account soon so I can show off my eyes more. lol. 1 comment|Choked

I'm Not Real [21 Dec 2002|01:36pm] [ mood | blank ] I have pretty much decided to get out some old art books and practice drawing on a more technical level again, I haven't put pen to paper in so long. Once I feel comfortable with my technical capabilities, I will move on to creating my own art again. I think it will really help my creativity to flow once I am not fighting the lack of knowledge in proportions and such. To make a long story short...I am starting over, little by little on several levels and I am completely stoked about it because it's something to take my mind off things that are falling down at my feet and around me this week. I had a good, long, genuine cry tonight. The first in over 3 years. Yes, I have cried since, but it was always constipated and usually forced so that I wouldn't end up breaking some poor a-holes nose. Tonight (early this morning), it just flowed, uncontrollably. It was beautiful. but unwanted. I had planned on catching up on some photos, developing, etc.. then cleaning up my room and working on my drawings some more. I started to work on my drawing but reallized that I was covering his face.I covered half of it with ink before I realized what I was doing. I was hiding beneath it...hiding everything that I have needed to face for a really long time. So I set the drawing down, turned up my stereo and just sat, staring blankly at the floor. The thoughts that hit me were simple at first.. Cold, blunt thoughts of hate. I don't know what triggered the thoughts that have been festering for so long, but whatever it was, thank you *looks up* for placing it there long enough for me to feel again. "Drowning in this whirl pool of filth...Dizziness is too much to handle. I can see the back of my head deep down inside........Let me lose myself in you so I can't see me anymore, Can't see the hatred, the pain, the never ending rejection. These dreams are translucent..but I still see a glimmer of hope so far to reach but still possible. Please drag me to the top. the climb is too far, this mountain too familiar and the ride down...too frightening. Just don't let go or look away. Please pull me through one more day, because I am tired and losing my grip on this life... alone." I hate love Christmas. So bright and full of cheer. Yea. Another Christmas to be spent alone. Oh how I am looking forward to that. Make contact- LJ DJAshba 8 comments|Choked

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